Day 21....Could it be?!?! (My 21 Day Complaint Free Challenge Post 2 of 2)

One year ago today, on December 3, 2016, I gladly embarked on a challenge to not complain (express grief, pain or discontent) for 21 consecutive days. It was not difficult to get engulfed in the negativity, the muck and mire surrounding the election, as I found myself continually checking CNN more often than I should.  There was a palpable grief & distress after the election.  I needed to make a change in myself.

On that first day of my challenge I complained before I even got out of bed! (that first leg of my journey is in this blog: http://adventuresofanitaliangal.blogspot.com/2017/01/month-1-of-my-complaint-free-challenge.html?m=1 Nearly 7 months later, the seemingly impossible became a reality, much to my wonder - I actually made it to my 21st consecutive day!  Wow (That was a long haul). 

What's more, 2 days later I reached the 25 pound weight loss goal (19 inches) I had set for myself doing the Fast Metabolism Diet, (started in early February) which is now a lifestyle.  I would never have guessed that I would reach 2 big goals within days!

As my first blog explains, I was on Day 1 - 90% of the time!  Getting beyond Day 1 was my biggest hurdle.  After nearly a month,  I got through an entire day.  Over time I was able to string 3 days together, but then I would make a snide remark or exclamation and bam!  I was back at Day 1 again. As I recall, my pets, specifically the kitty cat LINCOLN was the naughty one who would break me time and time again!

Though I admit I had doubts once or twice, as I started afresh day and after day, I grew in confidence that I would get there there eventually. It's the only goal I remember undertaking that made me grow happier even as I failed. 

Success is moving from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.  -Winston Churchill

If there's any challenge that's good to "fail" - it's this one!  You are improving getting less negative, even in the midst of failure.

I noticed that on days I messed up that it would be easy to let it snowball.  I tell ya, complaining begets more complaining!  You can just feel yourself easily surrendering to the  negative quagmire.  The opposite is also true.

"Your words indicate, reinforce, and perpetuate your thoughts. So when you complain, you are actually repelling what you profess to want.  Griping pushes away from you things that you say you would like to have. "  Will Bowen

After doing the challenge for a while I became very sensitive to negativity.  The energy I felt from another's complaint would sometimes actually hurt my heart.  

Will Bowen says there are 4 different stages we go through when learning a new habit;

1. Unconscious Incompetence  (you don't even know that you suck)
2. Conscious Incompetence  (you are painfully aware of how much you suck)
3. Conscious Competence  (you suck less but it takes all your concentration)
   
   and finally ...



4. Unconscious competence  (you have learned the new habit an it's natural now! or you don't suck and you don't know it)

(Those were my paraphrases 😄)

As I become more competent at this no complaint thing,  there were a few times where I could not resist a sarcastic comment or a real complaint.  I made the very conscious choice to gripe - knowing that I would have to start over (change my bracelet - see first blog), but finding it to be worth it.  It is a powerful thing, to be so keen of any trace of negativity, that you feel the energy of the complaint on your lips even before it comes out your mouth and you ask yourself - Is this worth it? The vast majority of the time, people, It is not!

A big thing I have learned is to communicate in a more neutral, straight-forward way - without connotations, blame or feeling sorry for myself.  When I began the challenge, I was extremely strict with myself (which is probably why it took so long - I inflicted extra rules that the book didn't even speak of, for example, starting over after saying one little lighthearted "crap!" or putting myself down, like, "I have a bad memory". People, I would not even allow myself to put a negative emoticon on facebook or texts! 😄After several months, I realized that I could be real and honest, I could say something truthful, matter-of-fact (that might to the naked ear seem like a complaint), but I could control how I said it (and my attitude behind it) and it would not need to be a complaint.  Near the end of the challenge I was in the car on the way to a show and I spoke of the temperature in the car many times: "It's cold in here,"  But I didn't feel negative or whiny about it - just straight forward.

The most profound change that occurred was in a relationship and in my heart.

There was someone in my life who for years had mistreated and hurt me time and time again. It was an emotional roller roaster ride that had more downs than ups. These hurts seeped into my life and weighed heavily on me much of the time. Over time I was able to forgive, and even though I "forgave" her more than once, and these events were behind me, now and then I would replay one to my husband, or a sister - or a trusted friend.  But once I started this No complaint challenge, I had to stop speaking these injustices aloud, no matter how awful they were, or how justified I was - it was no longer an option.

What happened was truly amazing.  I say amazing because at one point, I was battered.  I was done.  I would begin to trust and believe I was in this person's good books again, only to find myself rejected over and over.  Never before had I experienced treatment like this..

But get this:  once I finally ceased speaking of it for good, my heart was truly healed!  I was able to forgive - for reals.

I remember one day, in the presence of this person who had once caused me so much turmoil and angst, I actually felt love in my heart.  Not only love, but fondness too!  I was stunned.  All of the ill feelings had finally completely dissolved! Once the negative replaying went away, so did the negative emotions, as well as all of my own resistance to this person (aha! So I may have had a role to play...)  I now could truly love this person.  WOW.

For several months, I had successful days, even up to 5 or more.  But 21? However, I got to a point where I knew there was no turning back...I was actually going to reach my goal. My elation was strong when I finally reached Day 21 of no complaining, criticizing or saying something sarcastic outloud! On June 27, after nearly 7 months of wearing a purple bracelet every single day and switching it to my other wrist whenever I was negative  - I was at Day 21!  I could hardly believe it.  My smile was huge that day and I knew that I had been made new.

Month 1 of my Complaint-Free Challenge! (My 21 Complaint Free Challenge Post #1 of 2)

We are shaped by our thoughts, we become what we think. -The Buddha

A few years ago, someone recommended a book to me by which she undertook a challenge to stop complaining for a month. I have been intrigued ever since, but as of December 3rd 2016, I was ready to embark on my own challenge! I ordered Will Bowen's A Complaint Free World with a gift certificate from my birthday and hungrily devoured that book over the course of the next few days.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "complain" as to express grief, pain, or discontent.

Will Bowen further clarifies: A complaint is distinguished by a statement of fact by the energy expressed. "It's hot today" is a statement of fact. A heavy sigh followed by the lament, "it's hot today" is a complaint. There is a negative energy being expressed with a complaint. Most complaints have a "'this is unfair!" Or "how dare this happen to me" quality.*

In the challenge you wear a bracelet (or rubber band - whatever you can find) starting on one wrist. With every spoken complaint, including criticizing, gossiping, or saying something sarcastic aloud, you are to change your bracelet to the other wrist.

Once you go an entire day without complaining (and believe me, it's not as easy as it sounds!), you will notice that your bracelet has remained on the same wrist the whole day! And the next day, you move it over and start Day 2!

I am over a month into this transformational journey (Day 38, in fact!)
Guess what day out of 21 days I am on?

Day 1!  (There is no shame in Day 1!)

I begin to share my journey with you in hopes that it might encourage you in some small way along your journey.

Day 1:  Saturday -12/3

My first bracelet change occurred before I even rose from my bed.  I muttered aloud about something. Before I even got out of bed!

I have always been a positive person. Well, more so when I was younger. As I have gotten older, and gone through many challenging life experiences, little things shouldn't annoy so much, right? Actually, while my trials have given me good perspective, in recent years, I have become more of a complainer. But I am undergoing a major transformation.  In the past year I have become keenly aware of the power of the words that come out of my mouth. I have felt how any negativity spoken aloud, whether complaints or especially reliving past hurts by another person, immediately cause a heaviness to settle upon me.

It was a very late night in Day 1, including a performing Christmas concert with The SymphoNYChorus and a drive to & from Long Island.

At one point I was taken aback by my husband, who was leading his choir & orchestra with an intensity that was not endearing.  I sent him 3 texts:

1: You are scary!
2: Be nicer


3:  I'll change my bracelet

By the time I finally turned out the light very late, actually early in the morning,
I had changed my bracelet over 50 times! 😁

Day 1:  (2nd Day of Challenge) - 12/4

I approached today with a positive spirit. It was my only choice.

I was keen to my sarcastic comments. I made conscious choices to say certain things, even though I knew I'd be changing my bracelet.

The following story from Bowen's book has had quite an impact on me, and I have told it in about 3 yoga classes that I teach:

There is an old story of two construction workers sitting down to eat lunch together. The first worker opens his lunch box and complains, "Yech! A meat loaf sandwich...I hate meat loaf sandwiches." His friend says nothing. The following day, the two meet up again for lunch. Again, the first man opens his lunch box, looks inside, and, this time more agitated, says, "another meat loaf sandwich? I hate meat loaf sandwiches!" As before, his colleague remains silent. The third day, the two men gather for lunch, and the first construction worker opens his lunch box and stomps about and shouts, "I've had it! Day in and day out, it's the same thing! Meat loaf sandwiches every blessed day! I want something else!"

    His friend asks, "Why don't you just ask your wife to make you something else?"

    With true bewilderment on his face, the first worker replies,

    "I make my own lunch."

   

You, me, and everyone else- we all make our own lunch. We create our lives with our thoughts, and our words broadcast what we are thinking*.

As I noticed things that annoyed me, I became aware that it would be far more productive to make changes in how I do things, than it would be to complain.

As Bowen says, "A complaint is an energetic statement that focuses on the problem at hand rather than the resolution sought." *

For example: One of the main things that can immediately put me into a foul mood is when my house is messy. It overwhelms and discourages me to see messes all over, day after day, even though, I am in fact cleaning every day.

It suddenly dawned on me that If I want to have a peaceful mind, I have to be the one to prevent this!

So I decide to try to stop the temporary parking spots.....(meaning, no temporary places for your stuff- put it back where it belongs) While this might be a no-brainer for many of you, for me, this is revolutionary!   No more meatloaf sandwiches for me!

Final tally: 30 bracelet changes

Day 1 (3rd day) - 12/5
I am becoming more aware of my emotions.
I am becoming more observant of myself and my reactions to things.

Many would say, if you can't complain, you aren't being honest with yourself, you are denying your feelings. On the contrary, I am more in tune with myself, because I am feeling things inside, rather than automatically putting them out there.

I noticed that this no complaining really helped in my interactions with my son. I do not deny that I am often resistant to this strong willed teenager. (and my husband has also pointed this out). When you are resistant to a teenager, to my teenager, it is so productive!
( NOT!) Oh wait, that is sarcasm.😝 If I can't complain, the resistance is removed and he has nothing to flight against. Rather than get worked up over many things that distress me, instead I now say what I want to see happen.

Tally: 40 - not sure that I'm complaining more. Maybe I am just more aware and fine tuning what a complaint really is. I'm being very strict, yet light-hearted about it,

Still Day 1: (4th day) - 12/6
Felt pretty upbeat. There is no point dreading things. The other, more desirable option is to embrace all the things in your day. There is no point in getting annoyed at doing a bunch of dishes at the end of the day- just do the dishes.

For the most part my complaints are light- small things, though some days I'll have 1 or 2 real ones, where I actually feel upset. And those both bring the bracelet change!

What do you know? This life style causes me to solve my own problems instead of bitching about them.  As the youngest of 5 siblings, this is quite a valuable lesson! 😜 Good stuff.

Final Tally: 16

Day 1 (7th day) -12/9

It was a good day, but a challenging one, physically, mentally, emotionally. (& they began very early with a sick pet & an escapee kitten- haha)

I  noticed how irritated I can become, as well as how many little challenges can arise with an important day. (Sung big concert in NYC) There were challenges, but not vocalizing them helped to keep them at bay. That doesn't mean that I did not notice the many complaints in my mind. This no complaint challenge is going to take a long time, and it will be ongoing, but I am heading in the right direction. Thank you, Lord!

Final Tally: 25

Day 1 (8th day)- 12/10
Slept until 11:30 am!
I am thrilled I have the day off. I am having back challenges and there is lots to be cleaned, but at least I'm not moanin' & groanin' about it. Doing what I have to do.

I have 5 bracelet changes before 1 pm, all because of the pets 😝.
I am beginning to learn to separate the emotions from my scolding.

This one actually made me smile :)

Final tally: 22

Day 1 (9th day)- 12/11

In Chapter 6, entitled, 'Silence and the Language of Complaining', Will says: "it is your intention and your energy behind what you say that determines whether or not you are complaining."

He goes on to say,"Begin to notice how often and in what context you say the following:
"Of course!"
"Wouldn't you know it?"
"Just my luck!"
"This always happens to me!"

"When something goes wrong and you say, 'of course!' or 'Wouldn't you know it?' you are sending out a message that bad things are expected for you."

Later in the chapter he says, " you can get what you desire best by expressing what you want rather than complaining about how things are"*

Rushing to sing and play at big music morning at church, our car was frozen, iced over and the window scraper I bought had been moved. I said, "this will all work out great!" A found an object in my purse that worked like a charm. "Of course!' I proclaimed.  Several little things went on that morning, that before I began this challenge, would have gotten me all riled up. But I was approaching them with positive expectations, and things went well! Plus, I remained in a good mood! 😀

Final tally: 18

I see things that can be distressing, like an accident by our dog on our bedroom floor in the middle of the night, accompanied by a strong odor. What's the point of getting upset and worked up about this? That takes so much extra energy. Much more efficient use of energy to accept what is and take care of it sans complaint.  (perhaps there is another phrase for this: suck it up!)

Day 1- (10th day) 12/12
Tally: 20

Sometimes it's rough with a teenager.
I can have such a low number and boy, it can go up quickly.
But I hope that what I am doing might be rubbing off on others, especially my family!

Days 11- Day 20- my number of bracelet changes varied from 9 to 19. My husband joins the challenge! I begin to long to complete 1 entire day of not complaining, which makes me even more conscious of my words. I spur myself on with the words that it takes 21 days to build a new habit & on my 21st day of doing this challenge, I vow I will go a full day without changing my bracelet- without making a single complaint! But the pressure I put on myself becomes counterproductive, so I finally relax and say- if I don't make it on Day 21, that's okay-- and what do you know--

DAY 1  (21st day) -12/23 - I did it! Made it thru Day 1
I did it!!!! Just have 20 more days (consecutively) to go!!!

Day 2 (22nd day) -12/24  -  back to Day 1 again - it was extremely busy & I finally came to the end of myself

Christmas Eve Service at Jesse Lee Memorial Church

Days 23-26, I struggled. & stopped counting how many changes I have a day.

But

Day 1 (27th day)-12/29 Completed Day 1 a second time!
I did it again! There is hope for me yet. 😄

Day 2 (28th day) -12/30  (ended at 4:45 am when Lincoln began eating the Christmas tree again)

Day 1 (31st day) Jan 2 - I later admitted that "you killed me!" at yoga was indeed disguised complaining.

Day 1 (34th day) - 1/5 good! Even thru some challenges that would have stressed me out in the past, I stayed upbeat. I had to go out in the freezing cold during a grocery trip to take care of something. I was grateful for the bench to sit on and the rejuvenating fresh air.  This process is causing me to see life so very differently and my patience with the little things is much better.

Day 2  (35th day)  1/6 - Day 2 completed for the first time!   I was just amazed the whole day that I was actually completing my 2nd day (though I might have told Henric he needed to change His bracelet at the end of yesterday or today 😁)

Day 3 (36th day) - 1/7 - my first Day 3! (Very short lived) back to Day 1

This challenge has now entered my dream world!

I had a dream that I complained & had to change my bracelet twice!

I will keep you posted on this journey, but I want to leave you with 2 very positive changes that have occurred (besides everything else I have mentioned)

1. I have learned a different way of communicating with my husband and son (I'm hearing West side story lyrics now: "we'll find a new way of living" ) This is gold, people, GOLD.  As a result of the change in me, our home is happier & more peaceful.

2. Do you ever notice the moment you start to worry, expecting bad things? What goes on in your mind, the physiological changes? A fabulous benefit of this journey is that as you start to expect and look for good things, you save ample emotional energy that would have been squandered on worries about things which ultimately don't even happen!  Imagine the positive effect on your health this can cause! I have so much more energy! When you change your words, you change your thoughts, and you literally change your world!

Change your thoughts and you will change your world.- Norman Vincent Peale
*A Complaint Free World, by Will Bowen